I had written Kriss Carr, author and filmmaker of Crazy Sexy Cancer, an email stating how alike I think we are and how much she's inspired me, etc and I got back this amazing response:
"Hey toots! I love your blog girrrl. Keep writing and so will I. It's our salve. You are down right gorgeous, crazy and sexy in and out. Thanks for writing and telling me about your world. I'm sending you mega love.
Peace and veggies
Kriss Carr"
Be on the lookout for the showing of her movie, CrazySexyCancer on TLC, Aug 29th 9/8c!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
More talking food....
Tonight, as I sit and watch Little Women, I am drinking my Yogi Ginger tea. It is then I notice the tab attached to the tea bag, it says, "Wisdom, character and consciousness conquer everything."
Very wise, indeed.
Jo, from Little Women is one of my favorite literary characters, next to several of Jane Austen's invention.
On the playground, I was always "Jo". The other girls had no idea what I was talking about and thought I was strange.
Very wise, indeed.
Jo, from Little Women is one of my favorite literary characters, next to several of Jane Austen's invention.
On the playground, I was always "Jo". The other girls had no idea what I was talking about and thought I was strange.
Friday, August 10, 2007
More at Border's
I try and read some at Border's: Sylvia Browne, random Gnostic texts, and even an interesting guide on visualization. I become absorbed in watching other people around me, picking up bits and pieces of their conversation, but only really notice the elderly man sitting next to me. I've seen him here before. Recognizable by tattoos on each forearm, assuming from his veteran days of war. Navy, I guess. I then find an even comfier spot, hidden in the stacks of books, reading about the afterlife by the acclaimed psychic and feel warmed and curious about what lay ahead of me. Right or wrong, my teachings from when I was a little girl display their disapproving heads in one succinct nodding motion: "No, no. There is only ONE way to heaven." Sylvia doesn't believe in "heaven," but an afterlife called the Other Side. The Other Side where we plan out contractual arrangements to live life on earth with various lessons to be learned. Our lot in life is pre-determined, but with supposed ample options for us to take, never going back on the free will promise we're given as humans. I decided against buying both books, but am enraptured enough to reserve them from the library once I get home. I get home to my waiting Oz and he briefly greets me, pretending he didn't miss me or cry for his loneliness, but I know he did both. I then go crazy for a little while, trying to watch bad T.V., being successful for an hour or two, content even. But then it gets to me. This being alone in the house, by myself, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Unable to feel fully energetic enough to do anything about it. I try to stretch and do a couple of yoga stances, meditating all so briefly. Does it work? Well, cut to present time; I am here now, writing away about nothingness and, yet, seemingly everything for me. This is my life and I am not content. I hate being at home all day by myself, listening to the phone ring, never showing any signs of answering it. Occasionally stumbling out of the recliner to chase the cat off of the counter, willing him to play with me or at least let me cuddle with him. At times, he detests both. I think Oz gets sick of my company. He needs adventure as much as I do. Perhaps he needs a kitty companion. Perhaps I try to fill my life with numerous things, seeking to fill the un-fillable and solve the unsolveable.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Links I like
Check out this link: http://www.cafepress.com/planetcancer
My fave tees include: "Cancer, there are easier ways to build character." and "I had cancer and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." Thought the thong was kinda' funny, too.
Also great gift ideas: http://www.gotcancer.org/store/cafe_store.php?catid=2
Also must check out these TOP 10s! They are too funny: http://www.planetcancer.org/html/cancertainment_type2.php?cat_Id=4
My fave tees include: "Cancer, there are easier ways to build character." and "I had cancer and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." Thought the thong was kinda' funny, too.
Also great gift ideas: http://www.gotcancer.org/store/cafe_store.php?catid=2
Also must check out these TOP 10s! They are too funny: http://www.planetcancer.org/html/cancertainment_type2.php?cat_Id=4
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
My life in a nutshell....
Today has been full and a bit rough. I thought I'd go out and accomplish some coffee-drinking and blog-writing, so I headed off to Borders with laptop in tow. However, I couldn't get online, so I decided to write, journal-esque, instead. I got a lot accomplished. I ate my overly necessary sweet treat while drinking an overly large iced latte and wrote and wrote about the human condition, religion, dating, and, of course, canSer. (Oh, I am copycatting Chris Karr and intentionally misspelling the word so as not to give it power!)
As I've previously said, I want/need to take an active role in my own survival, which includes my own happiness. While my brilliant doctors are in charge of my physical survival, I do indeed have control over my mental state. I rant and I rave, but keeping my head above the crashing waves is essential.
In my journal, I explored some new avenues, such as dating. It comes up from time to time. Especially when my friends have relationships or are in the dating scene, I tend to wish for that same companionship and adventure. How would it begin, though? From my hairless appearance, it is obvious to that something is wrong with me. No hair typically indicates a grave Sinead O'Connor obsession, a rebel grrl trend, or cancuur.
However, the idea of dating keeps rearing its ugly and unimportant head. As I went out last night to Wild Oats, organic grocery store, I was later told by my giggling compatriots that I was being watched....and....smiled at by the super-cute dread-haired hippie boy that worked there. Apparently, he was stalking around wherever we were, watching, and looked like he wanted to talk. I, oblivious as usual, did only notice him once and quickly dismissed him. After the fact, it was brought to my attention and I then became the giggly one. I haven't been drawn to anyone in quite awhile. I look, don't get me wrong....but I have cancer. I can't date anyone! Who would want to date a person with cancer? I sure wouldn't. I was recently discussing this with a more than understanding girlfriend, and she confirmed this fear. It's obvious I have cancer, so what is this attempt to smile at me or even flirt? Cancer is not to be taken lightly, and dating is. So, the two, therefore, do not gel together. Cynical? Perhaps.
I have yet to find a positive side to this until recently. After reading more of Chris Karr's book, Crazy Sexy Cancer tips, she goes into dating after diagnosis (D.A.D.) and how she tried to hide the fact, but found her lucky "one" that accepted her without hesitation. Will I be so lucky?
More importantly, why do I care? The more I hear about my friends who are dating or in relationships, the more thankful I am that I'm not involved in that whole mess. But, (sigh), a part of me craves that attention, someone to flirt with me shamelessly and declare to the world the beaming nature of my light and energy and rapturous beauty! Um, no, not really. But how about a companion who would be nice to me, smile at me and manage not to stare at my head, not pity me, someone who doesn’t smell, who would understand when I was having a bad day or was tired and had to go home. I realize that this is basically a girlfriend. But, wait, I have these! Hoorah! (They might need to work a bit on their shameless adoration, though.)
Alas, the logical, cynical part of me realizes how trivial these dating desires are, but it is nonetheless a real, tangible feeling. I needn't ignore these! I am trying to allow myself to fully feel and shouldn't censor my emotions. If these are emotions that are coming up, then I need to allow them to surface, focus on them, and then let them go. A kind of Zen way, if you like.
Sidenote: at Border's, amidst the business of writing about these and other deep references harbored in the darkest recesses of my soul, I also counted the number of lip glosses I had in my purse....
....the answer is five.
As I've previously said, I want/need to take an active role in my own survival, which includes my own happiness. While my brilliant doctors are in charge of my physical survival, I do indeed have control over my mental state. I rant and I rave, but keeping my head above the crashing waves is essential.
In my journal, I explored some new avenues, such as dating. It comes up from time to time. Especially when my friends have relationships or are in the dating scene, I tend to wish for that same companionship and adventure. How would it begin, though? From my hairless appearance, it is obvious to that something is wrong with me. No hair typically indicates a grave Sinead O'Connor obsession, a rebel grrl trend, or cancuur.
However, the idea of dating keeps rearing its ugly and unimportant head. As I went out last night to Wild Oats, organic grocery store, I was later told by my giggling compatriots that I was being watched....and....smiled at by the super-cute dread-haired hippie boy that worked there. Apparently, he was stalking around wherever we were, watching, and looked like he wanted to talk. I, oblivious as usual, did only notice him once and quickly dismissed him. After the fact, it was brought to my attention and I then became the giggly one. I haven't been drawn to anyone in quite awhile. I look, don't get me wrong....but I have cancer. I can't date anyone! Who would want to date a person with cancer? I sure wouldn't. I was recently discussing this with a more than understanding girlfriend, and she confirmed this fear. It's obvious I have cancer, so what is this attempt to smile at me or even flirt? Cancer is not to be taken lightly, and dating is. So, the two, therefore, do not gel together. Cynical? Perhaps.
I have yet to find a positive side to this until recently. After reading more of Chris Karr's book, Crazy Sexy Cancer tips, she goes into dating after diagnosis (D.A.D.) and how she tried to hide the fact, but found her lucky "one" that accepted her without hesitation. Will I be so lucky?
More importantly, why do I care? The more I hear about my friends who are dating or in relationships, the more thankful I am that I'm not involved in that whole mess. But, (sigh), a part of me craves that attention, someone to flirt with me shamelessly and declare to the world the beaming nature of my light and energy and rapturous beauty! Um, no, not really. But how about a companion who would be nice to me, smile at me and manage not to stare at my head, not pity me, someone who doesn’t smell, who would understand when I was having a bad day or was tired and had to go home. I realize that this is basically a girlfriend. But, wait, I have these! Hoorah! (They might need to work a bit on their shameless adoration, though.)
Alas, the logical, cynical part of me realizes how trivial these dating desires are, but it is nonetheless a real, tangible feeling. I needn't ignore these! I am trying to allow myself to fully feel and shouldn't censor my emotions. If these are emotions that are coming up, then I need to allow them to surface, focus on them, and then let them go. A kind of Zen way, if you like.
Sidenote: at Border's, amidst the business of writing about these and other deep references harbored in the darkest recesses of my soul, I also counted the number of lip glosses I had in my purse....
....the answer is five.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
gone today, make-up tomorrow?
Today, I bought some delicious makeup: lip gloss that smells like Vanilla Frosting! And, of course, several other necessary items. I'm preparing for my eyelashes and eyebrows to fall out, so I bought some fake eyelashes and an eyebrow pencil. Some things are just necessary in life. Forget about drinking green tea and checking my temp, I look forward to the completely unnecessary, (but really necessary), futile, shallow things in life. It's the make up that makes it all worthwhile. Oh, I also looked at scarves, but Wal-Mart is sadly lacking in this capacity. I need to hit a good thrift shop. Have also fond craving for fun new wigs.
Monday, August 6, 2007
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