My life in a nutshell....

Today has been full and a bit rough. I thought I'd go out and accomplish some coffee-drinking and blog-writing, so I headed off to Borders with laptop in tow. However, I couldn't get online, so I decided to write, journal-esque, instead. I got a lot accomplished. I ate my overly necessary sweet treat while drinking an overly large iced latte and wrote and wrote about the human condition, religion, dating, and, of course, canSer. (Oh, I am copycatting Chris Karr and intentionally misspelling the word so as not to give it power!)
As I've previously said, I want/need to take an active role in my own survival, which includes my own happiness. While my brilliant doctors are in charge of my physical survival, I do indeed have control over my mental state. I rant and I rave, but keeping my head above the crashing waves is essential.
In my journal, I explored some new avenues, such as dating. It comes up from time to time. Especially when my friends have relationships or are in the dating scene, I tend to wish for that same companionship and adventure. How would it begin, though? From my hairless appearance, it is obvious to that something is wrong with me. No hair typically indicates a grave Sinead O'Connor obsession, a rebel grrl trend, or cancuur.
However, the idea of dating keeps rearing its ugly and unimportant head. As I went out last night to Wild Oats, organic grocery store, I was later told by my giggling compatriots that I was being watched....and....smiled at by the super-cute dread-haired hippie boy that worked there. Apparently, he was stalking around wherever we were, watching, and looked like he wanted to talk. I, oblivious as usual, did only notice him once and quickly dismissed him. After the fact, it was brought to my attention and I then became the giggly one. I haven't been drawn to anyone in quite awhile. I look, don't get me wrong....but I have cancer. I can't date anyone! Who would want to date a person with cancer? I sure wouldn't. I was recently discussing this with a more than understanding girlfriend, and she confirmed this fear. It's obvious I have cancer, so what is this attempt to smile at me or even flirt? Cancer is not to be taken lightly, and dating is. So, the two, therefore, do not gel together. Cynical? Perhaps.
I have yet to find a positive side to this until recently. After reading more of Chris Karr's book, Crazy Sexy Cancer tips, she goes into dating after diagnosis (D.A.D.) and how she tried to hide the fact, but found her lucky "one" that accepted her without hesitation. Will I be so lucky?

More importantly, why do I care? The more I hear about my friends who are dating or in relationships, the more thankful I am that I'm not involved in that whole mess. But, (sigh), a part of me craves that attention, someone to flirt with me shamelessly and declare to the world the beaming nature of my light and energy and rapturous beauty! Um, no, not really. But how about a companion who would be nice to me, smile at me and manage not to stare at my head, not pity me, someone who doesn’t smell, who would understand when I was having a bad day or was tired and had to go home. I realize that this is basically a girlfriend. But, wait, I have these! Hoorah! (They might need to work a bit on their shameless adoration, though.)

Alas, the logical, cynical part of me realizes how trivial these dating desires are, but it is nonetheless a real, tangible feeling. I needn't ignore these! I am trying to allow myself to fully feel and shouldn't censor my emotions. If these are emotions that are coming up, then I need to allow them to surface, focus on them, and then let them go. A kind of Zen way, if you like.

Sidenote: at Border's, amidst the business of writing about these and other deep references harbored in the darkest recesses of my soul, I also counted the number of lip glosses I had in my purse....

....the answer is five.