SPEC....TAC....U....LAR

Have not felt like writing in so long. So much going on: hospitals, meds, delirium, exhaustion. Moments worth mentioning: I watched Crazy Sexy Cancer and loved it! She truly shows what a difference your mentality can make when dealing with what life throws at you. Her spirit shines through and it is important to let this remain true and to not to let this cansur thing destroy you.

I've recently made contact with a couple of people who are my age with cancer or who have beaten it and I recently asked one of these friends who had beaten her disease at a young age, "How did you stay strong?" She responded with saying that strength is not being positive or putting on a smiley face all the time, but instead strength is making it through the day, fighting, and not letting cancir take your spirit away. This is why I like Kris Carr's approach so much, b/c her focus is so much on the present moment. What she can do, day to day to keep her spirits up and survive each and every day. This day to day survival is key. That's what I am striving for. To keep strong, I'm just focusing on the now, the present moment. In this, I think I will find I can be strong from moment to moment.
It's nice to finally have people I can talk to who have gone or are going through the same things. It is so hard to relate to regular people anymore. I don't know what to talk about. My life is this canncer. They have normal lives with normal problems. I know everyone has their burden to bear, but it's not the same. They're not part of the "club". I should be happy for them. No one should have to go through this. I hear this all the time. I get tired of it, actually b/c I know it's true but there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing worse about all of this than it not being within my control. Kris Carr (again!) is an example of a woman who took her disease and took control through her diet, exercise, and turned her experience into an amazing documentary and even created a book. She's what I aspire to. Most days I feel like a lump on a log, not doing anything about anything, just watching T.V. But really, just the fact that I didn't have a mental break down today is a blessing. The fact that I got out of bed is good enough for me. If I do anything out of the ordinary, like make some jewelry or draw or paint, it is spectacular!
P.S. Kudos to all those who got the American Beauty reference!