midnight snack

I got out of bed to satisfy my cheese and pickles craving......watched Tegan and Sara on Conan....."surfed" online on MySpace.....do people surf online anymore? What about walk? or run? or bicycle? I biked online today. Today, I didn't do anything but skate online...hhmmm

I've been watching the original Hairspray, and.....

Funny that someone would re-make a John Waters' film......what's next?

Experience! Declare! Find and Discover!

Seems as if I should be having more regrets or wishes for things I didn't do or haven't done or experienced, but to be honest, I don't have many. I have the general sense of not having done or accomplished everything I wanted to, but it's taken so many others to point out how much I've lived, loved, travelled, explored, and experienced. Thank you to those dear friends, you know who you are. And the truth is, as ambitious as I am and was, there will always be the undiscovered, the yet-to-be-experienced, and the undeclared.
So, is it really worth my time worrying about what has not been or is it better to remember what was? Obvious to some, but unavoidable for others.

The kindness of strangers

I have been blessed in so many ways. It's hard to recall them at certain dark hours, but I relish the good moments when they occur.
Today, for instance, I received a call from social security regarding the disability forms and work reports I had filled out and filed online. The man was so nice over the phone, telling me I had done a good job filling them out and he sees no reason why I shouldn't get approved. After talking to him for awhile, I felt somewhat elated, thinking how great it was to get hold of a real human being for once. The bureaucracy of these institutions sometimes can get me down, so it's quite a relief when things go right for a change.

My fortune

Also been thinking about fortune cookie I recently opened with this fortune: "Don't pursue happiness, create it." I needed to hear this from an objective source such as a cookie. I'm always hearing it from others close to me, but it means so much more coming from a bland, yet tasty treat.

Suggest something

As I sit and listen to my Ipod, desperately trying to get The Beach Boys' Wouldn't it be Nice? out of my head, I think of writing about sharing a good book and of reading something that someone recommended....and liking it.
A definite sense of satisfaction occurs when I can recommend a great book and am met with ample praise afterwards as to the book's satisfying delivery. I also love recommending a good band or singer to others and afterwards have them "discover" how great Placebo is or surprisingly agree that The Dresden Dolls is a shared love.

Also, putting a smile on my face and giving me a sense of satisfaction is reading a book or listening to something that someone else recommended. Things that are too good not to be shared. Or perhaps something that popped out at them while reading or listening that said, "Hey, I think Wendy would like this." I like that.

Sad when the suggestion does not hold favor with the suggestee.


P.S. Am listening to the Scissor Sisters. Recommend "I don't feel like dancing"!

Last Night

Crazy dreams about aliens, driving alien ships, escaping alien prisons, meeting and falling in love with the lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins(he liked me too!), mad science lab of cats and babies, and going back in time and seeing myself (time travel no-no).

Yeah, I have cancer, but on the upside....

So, here is a look at the plus side of cancer;
and you didn't think there were any....

1- Constant coddling. You get to be coddled by others, some of whom are not prone to coddling, which makes it extra special!

2- Did I mention all the gifts? I am always getting loads of gifts from people!

3- Short-haired friends. Thank God for these lovely women! I am lucky enough to have
girlfriends who don't give a hoot about their hair, so therefore, could care less what mine looks like. (Recently, I was going to visit a friend and her adorable four year old for a "play date." Since I was meeting her child for the first time since he was a newborn, I didn't want to scare him with my buzz cut, so I told my friend I'd wear a wig. As the day of the date drew nearer, I quickly realized that this little boy's mommy, my dear friend, had a very short pixie-like haircut, only a little bit longer than mine was! So, why was I so worried about her son's reaction? P.S. I ended up wearing a handkerchief with short hairs spiking through and he could really have cared less!)

4- WIGS! I can be a blonde with a cute bob one day, then BAM! The next day, I'm a red-head with curly hair!

5- I can now finally experiment with false eyelashes. People forget to mention that, with chemotherapy, not only do you lose your hair but you also lose your eyelashes and eyebrows. However, in the time when I wasn't receiving treatments, I was surprised to find that mine grew back and I have to say I think my eyelashes were longer then ever.

6- No guilt over eating the last piece of chocolate cake. Certain motherly figures in my life keep pressuring me to eat, so it doesn't matter what it is, as long as I'm eating!

7- I get the best seat in the house. I've adapted a general no-guilt feeling when I choose the comfiest place to sit upon entering a room, (they just assume I'm in pain and need a good place to sit).

8- I win! (when friends get together and talk about whose life sucks the most: kids, parents, dating, etc....I always win! No one can top my dramatic stories.)

9-I get chauffeured. I am still not driving that much, so constantly have "drivers"....um can anyone say celebrity status?

10-My Parents now beg me to go out....and spend money. I used to be reprimanded for coming in late, but now it's encouraged. Being stuck inside the house all day, I guess I'm not the only one who feels like I need a good night out with the girls.

11- Don't have to make excuses. I'm excused from the dinner table whenever I want, no explanation, even when company's over. They just assume I need to go take my meds or I just say I can't sit for long in "those" chairs b/c they hurt my back.

12- Can be a b**ch. I now have a general exemption for being "good"company. I don't have to do much talking or entertaining when people come over. I can get away with most anything in these types of situations.

13- Am treated like princess. "Don't move, I'll get it. Is there any more of your laundry I can do for you? Can I give you a massage? What would you like for dinner? Can I paint your fingernails, ma'am?" :)

14-No excuse naps. Not having to make excuses or feel guilty over taking naps....oh, and the lovely, lovely dreams. I tend to sleep a lot and one of my favorite parts of the day is when I take a nap. Also, with the right cocktail of medication comes the greatest dreams....which lead me to my next point...

15- The drugs! While some drugs I take make me terribly sick, there are also the kind that make me feel like I'm Ginger Rogers in only the best Astaire movies...... and they sometimes give me delusions of grandeur....did I say I'm treated like a princess?

16- Once again, I can be a b*tch. I can get away with saying whatever I want. I have developed the habit of being bluntly honest despite the consequences. Actually, this is one I truthfully have come to love. I have always tended to reveal more than share, so it is actually refreshing to say what I'm really thinking.

17-NO FEAR! Sometimes I think that there isn't anything they could tell me that would scare me b/c I've been through the darkest depths, sometimes wondering if I'd ever return...and I have....so they can't get to me anymore. (This is a real one)

18- Truth-telling serum. Seriously, you see people for who they really are. The true self is revealed. Sometimes I am met with teary eyes, sympathetic nods, or words of encouragement and a strength I never thought possible. However, for some it's easier to run away, hide, ignore, and has even broken some. While this cancer is pushing me beyond my limits, it is also testing those most dear to me. (This is a real one, too.)

19- You can't say "No!" People can not turn me down. I get what I want. I wanted an Ipod, I got an Ipod. I wanted a laptop, I got a laptop. I wanted a dog, I got a dog....a temporary one, anyways. I wanted a kitty, I got a kitty. (Keep in mind, these were all asked for tentatively, out of consideration and given a lot of thought.) ;)

(Obviously, for anyone who really knows me, you must have realized by now that these are not, by any means, serious. At best, I am trying to make a comical effort in looking at my life in a different way.)

dreams, MySpace, and Starbucks/tattoo

Woke up feeling exhausted. Remnants of dreams where my grandma and her twin were fighting over my grandma's leftover belongings are still fresh in my head. It took the whole family to calm them down. My grandma's been gone for awhile now, and they were fighting over what she left behind. (Pretty sure she never owned a tiara, but leave it to me to include diamonds.)

Spent a good portion of my night last night finding old friends on MySpace. It's become my latest pastime. It's also quite depressing. I have to re-tell my whole cancer story over and over again. It's almost like re-living it.

Yesterday, I was at Starbucks waiting in line for my caramel macchiato (yum!), and this guy kept staring in my direction. Me and the girl behind me couldn't quite figure out what exactly he was staring at. Turns out, it was the tattoo on my shoulder. He came over and complimented it and then asked if I'd go out to the Volkswagen in the parking lot and show his waiting girlfriend my tattoo. I agreed, after checking the girl-behind-me's response. She kinda' smiled, encouragingly, but at the same time wondering if I'd do it or not.
After getting my drink, I tentatively went out to the silver VW with tinted windows sitting in the parking lot and knocked on the passenger side window. I glanced inside Starbucks and the girl once standing in line behind me was now watching the scene play out. The window rolled down and a girl was sitting in the driver's seat staring at me, mouth agape. I explained to her about her boyfriend's request and then proceeded to show her my tattoo. Apparently this guy knew what he was talking about b/c she was impressed and continuously exclaimed "I love it!". I left with a sense of acomplishment.

Dr. Who

Took my meds, but don't feel tired yet. I am anxiously awaiting the new Dr. Who episode and that, perhaps, is the highlight of my evening. bah!

My real "Kitty"

Although I love the idea of giving this "diary" the copycat persona named Kitty, the one whom I truly confide in, day in, day out is my real kitty, Osbourne. He was the result of my family wanting to keep my spirits high and to provide distraction and possible source of happiness amidst all the gruel. He has quickly become the love of my life. I will try to keep you all posted as to his latest hi jinx, but I fear none are as entertained as I, his ever loving mama, who thinks every moment is cuter than the last.
The Latest:

He likes to sneak up on the counters and steal whatever bread ties he can find, knock them to the ground, and play like mad with them all throughout the house. He upturns rugs, knocks over bottles on shelves, and creates a tornado-like path all around, playing with those silly ties.

For all the Cure fans out there; a great song:

Wendytime
"you look like you could do with a friend she said
you look like you could use a hand
someone to make you smile she said
someone who can understand
share your trouble
comfort you
hold you close
and i can do all of these
i think you need me here with you..."

Excelsiur!

I am now watching Who Wants to be a Superhero? and during commercials, reading Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank.

I think this sums up my personality perfectly.

My Kitty

Anne Frank recalled a popular saying, "Paper is more patient than man," in her articulate diary she addressed as "Kitty." Feeling she had no one else with whom she could confide in, she gave her diary a persona. This is my "Kitty". Although, it is more out of convenience that I will utilize Kitty to post updates on my health or daily interests, I also hope it will be enough to keep me from being too bored and out of all the right kinds of trouble. (The fun kind anyways.)
As Anne Frank recalled the superior effects of writing I, too, am looking forward to the patience of pen and paper or, as it were, keyboard and the internet.
So, as my first blog appears to be blithe and perhaps a bit amiss, it serves its purpose.
Come, Kitty, we must prepare for future ramblings!